Suffering, Self-Love, And Becoming An Athlete Because I Didn’t Know The Difference

I held the mic in my hands and leaned toward it. “Hi. I’m Jessica from Littleton, Colorado. I’m feeling really hot and anxious. I’m here because I think I use biking to run away from my mental health issues — from any issue, really. I’m here because I’m forcing myself to slow down, sit with my feelings, and learn how to love myself. I give myself credit for signing up for this, knowing that I won’t be able to bike this weekend and get the miles in.”

It felt like an AA meeting, only it wasn’t anonymous and my only knowledge of how they work is from the movies. Instead of sitting in rows of fold-out chairs with a pot of Folgers and crusty donuts in the back, we all sat cross-legged, shoe-less, on blue square cushions placed on the floor in a semi-circle, facing Blake Bauer, our presenter. He sat on a wooden chair on top of a blue and white patterned carpet. With slicked-back hair, a ring on his right ring finger, and dressed head-to-toe in black, he had a sense of calm the rest of us wanted to embody.

It was 11 PM.

I looked around the room to a sea of white, middle-aged, mentally stunned faces. We’d all just finished sharing the real reason we were in that room. Why we drove however many miles to a village in the middle of nowhere. Why we took Blake’s first…