How to ruin your day in 15 steps

One. Preview the race a day before and freak out about the sections that are dusty; that will force you out of your comfort zone, and will inevitably be your downfall. Only practice these sections twice before calling it a day. Go home and replay those sections all night: the loose dirt on the descent; the turns that force you to disconnect from your bike, especially the corner that’s tight and abrupt. Picture leaning your bike into the corner. Picture your body trying to stay centered over it. Then picture sliding out, your bike shooting away from you, falling onto the dirt, ripping the side of your bibs, and causing a five person pile up as other racers barrel around the corner and run into you.

Two. Wake up in the morning of race day to play your worst fear on repeat. Have something caffeinated to really wind up your thoughts. Keep telling yourself it’s an insignificant bike race. “It’s a midweek race, for fucks sake.” Tell your friends and coworkers you can’t decide whether or not to race. Let them decide for you.

Three. Give yourself until 12 PM to register for the race. Check the weather. Watch the radar. Hope it’ll rain, so the race will be canceled.

Four. Okay, wait until 1 PM. Register. Select “sport.“ Find the starting time. Get the address and put it in your phone.