Going outside for answers

CW: depression, anxiety, death

With incoming snow, a 66°F-day, and a depression that wouldn’t quit, I had to visit the graveyard.

You see, as someone who lives with both depression and anxiety — and well, chronic pain — I work really fucking hard to maintain my chill. You won’t see any of this, of course. It’s behind the scenes, like a play.

You don’t see or hear beyond the curtain, the nagging voice between my guaged ears that goes:

you’re mediocre

no one likes you

you’re still a nobody

you did this to yourself

you’re not doing enough

you’ll always be average

Why does this hurt now?

the pain will never go away

you won’t become anyone great

you’re not going to be successful in the future

there’s so much to do and not enough time to do it

there won’t be a future, the world is crumbling to bits

do you remember when you fucked this up? or this? and this?

you can’t live in the present because there’s too much to do to set up for the future